There once was a King, nodding in his garden all alone,
When his brother in his ear poured a little bit of henbane,
Stole his brother's crown and his money and his widow,
But the dead King walked and got his son and said, "Now listen, kiddo:
I've been killed, and it's your duty to take revenge on Claudius;
Kill him quick and clean, and tell the nation what a fraud he is."
The kid says, "Right, I'll do it, but I'll have to play it crafty,
So that no one will suspect me, I'll let on that I'm a dafty."
So for all, except Horatio -- and he counts him as a friend--
Hamlet -- that's the kid -- he pretends he's 'round the bend;
And because he's not yet willing for obligatory killing,
He tries to make his uncle think he's tuppence off his shilling.
Takes a rise out of Polonius, treats poor Ophelia vile,
Tells Rosencrantz and Guildenstern that Denmark's bloody bile;
And a troup of traveling actors, on flight 784,
Arrived to do a special one-night gig in Elsinore.
Hamlet, Hamlet, acting balmy,
Hamlet, Hamlet, loves his mommy,
Hamlet, Hamlet, hesitating;
He wonders if the ghost's a fake, and that is why he's waiting.
So Hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact,
So Horatio and he could watch to see if Claudius cracked.
The play was called "The Mousetrap" -- not the one that's running now --
And sure enough the king walked out before the scene was through.
So now Hamlet's got the proof his uncle gave his Dad the dose --
The only trouble being now that Claudius knows he knows;
So while Hamlet tells his mother her new husband's not a fit man,
Uncle Claud takes out a contract, with the English king as hit man.
And when Hamlet killed Polonius and concealed the corpus delecti,
'Twas the King's excuse to send him for an English hempen necktie
With Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to make quite sure he got there,
But Hamlet jumped the boat and put the finger straight on that pair.
When Laertes heard his Dad's killed in the bedroom by the arras,
He came running back to Elsinore, toute de suite, hootfoot from Paris;
And Ophelia, with her Dad killed by the man she was to marry,
After saying it with flowers, she committed hari kari.
Hamlet, Hamlet, no messin',
Hamlet, Hamlet, learned his lesson,
Hamlet, Hamlet, Yorick's crust
Convinced him all men, good or bad, at last must come to dust!
Then Laertes lost his cool, and was demanding retributions,
The King says, "Keep your head, and I'll supply you with solutions."
So he arranged a swordfight for the interested parties,
With a blunted sword for Hamlet and a sharp sword for La-ahrtes.
And to make double sure the old belt and brace was lined,
He fixed up a poison swordtip and a poison cup of wine.
The poison sword got Hamlet, but Laertes went and fluffed it,
'Cause he got stabbed himself, and he confessed before he snuffed it.
Then Hamlet's mummy drank the wine, and as her face turned blue,
Hamlet said, "I think this King's a baddie through and through!
Well, incestuous, murderous, damned Dane!" he said, to be precise;
Then made up for hesitating once by killing Claudius twice.
'Cause he stabbed him with his knife and forced the wine between his lips,
And then he said, "The rest is silence," and he cashed in all his chips.
They fired a volley over him that shook the topmost rafter,
And then Fortinbras, knee-deep in Danes, lived happy ever after.
Hamlet, Hamlet, end of story,
Hamlet, Hamlet, very gory,
Hamlet, Hamlet, I'm on my way,
And if you think that was confusing, you should read the bloody play!